Self Esteem and Motivation

Looking over my past entries, I’m starting to realize just how many of my posts are about the writing process itself instead of the various disability-related stuffs that this blog was originally created for. Funny how life does that to you.

In seriousness though, it’s quite alarming to me how many of the posts I’ve made in the past aren’t just about writing but about why I haven’t wanted to do it. Ambition, depression, motivation, self-esteem. All of it. I’ve known for a very long time that I’m a master of excuses, a bad habit that I’ve tried in vain to quit for many years now. That being said, everything I’ve written on this blog, albeit some of it forced because I felt like I needed to get an entry out or because it was something I didn’t want to admit to myself, is true. There are things on here that sound like excuses but I assure you, they are not.

When I write the posts on why I haven’t written more posts, it’s more or less usually me trying to apologize to anyone who has read my ramblings, is currently reading them or will read them in the future. I feel guilty, like I owe more than I’m giving. I mean, I probably do in SOME capacity. I could care a bit more about maintaining this blog, I’m sure. That’s neither here or there right now though. Just me going on tangents again.

So why am I writing another one of these meta blogs? Well, it’s because I wanted to clarify something that I’ve needed to get off my chest for a while now, for years. It’s something that ties in to everything this blog stands for. My disability, my depression, my excuses, even the blog itself. My life itself stems around one simple fact: My self-esteem is shot.

Regardless of what the rest of the world around me “really” thinks, I instinctively know threesimple facts:

1)There are only two people in my life who truly like me and even then, I’m not always sure.

2)I am a burnout who doesn’t see himself doing anything with his future, resulting in an overall lack of trying.

3)I am mediocre, at best, at everything I have ever and probably will ever try to do.

I have no idea how many of these things are really true, if any of them. I’m not writing this for sympathy though. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or “it’s going to be alright” or anything like that. I’m merely writing these down because it’s the closest I’ve ever come to admitting these things out loud. I know that my low self-esteem, which I think stems from the fact that I used to be “famous” as a kid and then grew up “normally”, probably ramps up these feelings to 11, making me feel a little worse than I should but I still live my life with these three thoughts in my head, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that they are correct.

I’m not quite sure how to end this one if I’m going to be honest so I’m just going to end it here. Hopefully my next post is more cheery.

Thanks for reading.

My Thoughts on Something Less Relevant

Gravity.
Freakin’.
Falls.

Gravity Falls.
Gravity Falls Gravity Falls Gravity Falls.

I love Gravity Falls with a burning hot passion of a thousand white suns.

Gravity Falls is one of those shows that comes along once in a lifetime that can flawlessly combine mystery with humor and then cover the whole thing in a ton of beautiful characterization and emotion to a degree where even if the mystery element of the series wasn’t there, you totally would still hang out with the people on the show if given the opportunity.

Unfortunately, that opportunity will never actually happen because despite my best efforts, I have been unable to figure out how to turn animation into reality.

Gravity Falls is a cartoon.
A cartoon aimed at children.
A cartoon that amassed a huge adult audience of loyal followers, myself obviously included(multiple times), despite being a Disney Channel series that was written off early on by the channel as just another cartoon to add to their ranks.

This show has a huge place in my heart, my lexicon, my thought processes, my paranoia (not exaggerating), my analytical skills and even my sense of humor as a whole. Gravity Falls is absolutely, positively, unequivocally no less than amazing a BILLion times over. This is a series that has (and this is true) made me want to get a pig (one that I’ll name Waddles, naturally) for no reason other than one of the main characters has one. This has never, ever, ever, ever, EVER happened to me before. Obviously, the pig part of it has never had but, for instance, Friends never made me want to get a duck, Steven Universe has never made me want to get a cheeseburger backpack and Lost has never made me want to get a giant frozen wheel installed under my house that I will force Michael Emerson to push for eternity (although now that I think about it, that does sound like fun). This is a show that is never going to leave me even though, unfortunately, the show ended this past Monday.

It wasn’t cancelled, which is amazing in this day and age, especially on Disney. The show was allowed to be finished by Alex Hirsch, the series creator. Gravity Falls was his baby and he alone was allowed to decide when it ended, what happened on it, how the characters acted, everything. I’m pretty sure this is a huge part of why Gravity Falls was so great. There was no studio or channel interference whatsoever(at least on the contents of the episodes themselves), just the mad animated ramblings of a genius auteur. This man had decided pretty early on that the series was going to be two or three seasons and unfortunately, he ended up on two. 40 short episodes later, there is thankfully still mysteries that have not been solved and even an actual physical statue hidden somewhere out in the woods of Oregon (watch the series the whole way through and I promise you, that will make sense). I can still theorize and hunt. I can still hold on to hope of a sequel series, as Alex himself has said that even though he’s finished Gravity Falls, it’s only for now. He’s all but confirmed that he will be returning to it in some shape or form in the future.

I cannot wait for the day that this show comes back. In the mean time, I’m going to be looking into snatching up all three of the Gravity Falls Journals that have been printed, buying a pine tree hat and a GRAPPLING HOOK!!! and then rewatching every single episode from the beginning to see how much foreshadowing I can pick up on (it’s been there since EPISODE ONE!).

Here’s to you, Gravity Falls. I know we’ll meet again some sunny day.

My thoughts on something relevant

Two pop culture related moments happened last night that made me clap for my TV screen. Admittedly, one of them isn’t related to disabilities at all but it is related to me as a person so I figure I’ll write about it here instead of talking one of my friends’ ears about something they may or may not care about. You guys are a captive audience though so I’m going to force you to listen to me. 🙂

However, I will be nice and start with the more on topic moment in this post and put the more off topic talk in the next one.

The 58th Grammys were on last night! I’m a big award show buff so I had to check them out. There were some awesome performances, some ok ones too, and the awards themselves were more or less spot on (as far as I know;I’m admittedly not a Kendrick Lamar fan). If it were just another Grammys, though, I’d probably not be wasting my time writing about it here. Instead, we got Stevie Freakin’ Wonder.

I love this man. His music is pretty awesome and as a person, he seems like an absolute laugh riot. For those of you who aren’t aware, he also became blind days after he was born. I don’t have any personal experience with being blind (put that on the short list of afflictions I don’t deal with) but I do know what it’s like to have to live with a disability from birth, growing up different than everyone else. Granted, I wasn’t signed on to Motown Records when I was 11 like he was but we still more or less grew up in the same way, me with a wheelchair and him with glasses and a cane.

It’s probably because he was practically born with his disability that he has such a great attitude about it. He jokes about it constantly. He almost wears it as a badge of honor. I’ve never seen Stevie Wonder upset or sad or angry. He is happy 24/7 not just because he’s learned to cope with being blind but because he is blind. He seems to love this “quirk” in his life, this thing that makes him unique which is an attitude that I think more people should embrace.

I’m not here to rant about his life and attitude though.

Stevie Wonder shows up on the Grammys last night, performs with Pentatonix (who I love as well but not as much as Stevie) and then gives out an award. His envelope was specially made for him and he made sure the audience was aware of it by taunting them for not being able to read Braille.

Then, he made a very passionate speech about living in a world where everything should be accessible for all people.

Stevie Wonder went on live TV and gave a message about disability awareness and got a standing ovation!

This means two things.

One: Stevie Wonder is fighting for a better world in which everyone with a disability is treated like a part of society instead of an oddity or someone who is “brave”. He just wants everyone to be equal and for the disabilities to be embraced in the same way that a person would embrace a special skill or an interesting birthmark.

Two: His message is being embraced! This should be too big a surprise in the progressive age that we live in but unfortunately it is. There are too many places with narrow corridors or flashing lights or no braille options. Places are still being built that deal with the ADA like it’s a technicality. They only put one ramp on because they have to and then that’s the end of that. The fact that people actually listen to Stevie’s idea of a better and more accepting world is huge and makes me very very very happy as a human being and disability advocate.

I’m not just talking as a man in a wheelchair, I’m talking as a man who wants to see the hearing impaired be able to enjoy a stage show just as much as I do or those with Down Syndrome taken seriously in positions of power. I want a more accepting, accessible world.

I also want to meet Stevie Wonder someday.

An Insight to My Decision Making Process AKA What Really Happened

Ok, I disappeared for months again. I’m going to be stopping that sooner rather than later. Given the seeming lack of care I’ve put towards this blog, I feel like I need to give my readers an idea of who they’re dealing with. Not as an excuse, although I’ve been known to make those far too often, but as a way for me to clear my conscience and attempt to get my head back in the game. Where it should be.

I am a 26 year old man who, due to various reasons related to my disability and various reasons not related to it that I’m not going to be elaborating on just yet, still lives at home with his mother. I’m not overly reliant on her though. I like to see myself as more of a renter. Life around here can be pretty hectic as there are others in the house besides the two of us and therefore, occasionally, I am either unable to find the time to sit down and write or am too distracted to even think about writing. These moments explain about 50% of my “missing” entries which, ideally, would have been written and posted every week without exception.

The others, however, are because I am almost always unhappy with what I write. It’s too short, it’s too messy, it’s not personal enough, it’s too personal, it’s not flowing the right way, etc. When it come to writing, 99% of the process takes place in my head in the form of self editing. I find myself being stuck in my own mind, telling myself why I shouldn’t post something in the form it’s currently taken. However, it has always been a major flaw of mine to chose to just not write instead of writing something “imperfect”. I would rather be seen as lazy when it comes to writing than be seen as a bad writer. In the past, every entry that I’ve posted was made in the place of 5 others that I didn’t. I am an incredibly picky writer and I realize this is an issue that I need to work on.

I need to start writing again on a regular basis and I need to make things imperfect and personal again. This blog was created so I could write about me. My life with a disability. I didn’t start it so I could write generic detached advice. I’m not looking to make a self help blog or to speak for others with disabilities. I am looking to write about myself and for myself. I can only hope that the people who read this find what I write about myself interesting but, no offense guys, that’s not going to be my priority anymore. I’m going to open up again and try to be witty, fun and personal because that’s who I am as a person, not because I’m looking to attract more readers. I need to start doing this for me again instead of worrying about writing a piece that others aren’t going to find perfect.

In conclusion, I’m back. I know I went to a strange, dark place for a little bit but I am back and here to stay. I said a while back that I was going to keep this blog going in the name of a person named JewWario, a Youtube personality that I admired. I was really close to ignoring that promise and just giving up. Instead, I’m going to keep writing and become better at my craft because that’s what he would have done. I’m going to stay true to myself and keep things fun because that’s what he would have done.

This blog will go back to being updated regularly and back to being interesting to read. I hope.

I’ll be seeing you all soon.

An Overall Lack of Ambition Addendum

I vaguely remember writing the last post. After reading through it, I can at least tell you that while Depression does pay a part in my decision making process part of the time, it’s nowhere near as important towards my inability to accomplish anything as I expressed in my previous writing. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I have too many things going on in my head and too MUCH ambition towards my goals in life that I just don’t end up pursuing any of them.

I don’t have time to go into detail at the moment but I will in my next post. I just wanted to write to assure anyone who may have read the original Overall Lack of Ambition that everything is ok and I’m doing fine. That’s just what happens when you accidentally miss a pill….I’ll be writing about that too.

An Overall Lack of Ambition

Depression, as I’ve mentioned a few time before, is a constant and oppressive part of my life. There will be days where I feel it would be best if I just stay in bed out of fear of what I might do to myself or to others before my current depression wave leaves me until the next time it decides to show up. What I haven’t divulged up until this point is that those are just the REALLY bad and rare exceptions as far as the depression is concerned. I tend to suffer from the illness 24/7, as most sufferers do, but instead of making me self-loathing and suicidal all the time, it instead just makes me decide that I don’t want to do anything.

When I say anything, I mean literally anything. There are days where watching TV is a chore to me, let alone doing something major with my life like writing a blog entry. I’ll still go through the motions nine times out of ten just to feel like I’m actually alive but I don’t really mean it. It took me a long time to accept that this was a result of my depression instead of me being a lazy sack of crap. Hell, I haven’t even been truly diagnosed in this regard so who knows, maybe it’s not the depression but something else at work. All I know is that something’s wrong and I’m not sure how to fix it.

I wake up every morning with two goals in mind: Writing a blog entry (you’ve seen how well that’s gone) and watching a movie in The Criterion Collection (a pet project for a few years now). Most days, I don’t end up doing either. I’ll WANT to do them both, even mentally yell at myself to do them but I don’t end up doing them. I’ll just loaf around and wonder what’s gone wrong with my life, why I don’t write enough, why I’m so far behind on my movie list, why I haven’t made a name for myself yet. I spend more time depressed about not being good enough than I do trying to better myself. The catch here is that by this point, I think I’ve started to accept the fact that “I can’t” better myself. I put that in quotations because the logical and optimistic parts of me, which are still in full swing, tell me that obviously, I can better myself and I can make a name for myself someday. I will find a way to be the household name that I’ve always dreamt of being. It’s just that those parts of me are constantly overshadowed by a big cloud in my mind that keeps me from helping myself in any meaningful way. I do enough to keep myself alive and semi-sane day to day but that’s about as much as I can manage. It’s horrifying and depressing and I’m not sure if it’s ever going to stop. Ever.

If there’s anything any of you know of to help me with this, please speak up. I’ve been looking for a solution for years but I don’t even know how to find a starting point. I’m just trapped in a mind that is stuck on auto pilot that I want to take control of. I want this funk to stop, I want my life back. I want to want to do things and then I want to do them.

A question for you all

Three months.

Sorry about that. Again. I’ve noticed that there’s been a lot of prolonged absences on my part when it comes to this blog. When I started it, I said that you needed to write every day or you’d get out of the groove of writing. Practice makes perfect and all that. I’ve also noticed, however, there there has been an interesting trend forming since I started writing this blog that may very well be contributing to it.

This blog is getting less and less personal with every entry that I write. I don’t mean that the entries aren’t things I actually believe, of course. I’m still 100% behind everything I’ve ever written. It’s just that I used to write about things that I’ve been experiencing in my life on a regular basis. The reason I’ve been making more generic advice posts recently is that I’m not doing as much as I used to. The ES Riders are behind me now, my depression has more or less been under control in recent memory, there’s nothing to write about anymore.

Unfortunately, because I’ve been experiencing less in regards to things in my disability-related life, there’s been less on topic things for me to write about. I might have a solution though. Let me run it by you guys.

I want to get in the groove of writing again. I want to start writing entries at the very least once a week, if not more than that. I don’t believe I can do that and keep writing about disability-related matters unfortunately. Therefore, I’m planning on writing about my random thoughts on things, my day to day experiences, the things I do and the people I meet but just as a person. Not everything I plan on writing from this day on is going to be about my life with a disability, it’s just going to be about my life.

I’d be very grateful if you all chimed in and let me know what you think about this idea. If it works, I can hopefully start writing again on a regular basis soon. If it doesn’t, there may keep being month long absences on this blog.