Looking over my past entries, I’m starting to realize just how many of my posts are about the writing process itself instead of the various disability-related stuffs that this blog was originally created for. Funny how life does that to you.
In seriousness though, it’s quite alarming to me how many of the posts I’ve made in the past aren’t just about writing but about why I haven’t wanted to do it. Ambition, depression, motivation, self-esteem. All of it. I’ve known for a very long time that I’m a master of excuses, a bad habit that I’ve tried in vain to quit for many years now. That being said, everything I’ve written on this blog, albeit some of it forced because I felt like I needed to get an entry out or because it was something I didn’t want to admit to myself, is true. There are things on here that sound like excuses but I assure you, they are not.
When I write the posts on why I haven’t written more posts, it’s more or less usually me trying to apologize to anyone who has read my ramblings, is currently reading them or will read them in the future. I feel guilty, like I owe more than I’m giving. I mean, I probably do in SOME capacity. I could care a bit more about maintaining this blog, I’m sure. That’s neither here or there right now though. Just me going on tangents again.
So why am I writing another one of these meta blogs? Well, it’s because I wanted to clarify something that I’ve needed to get off my chest for a while now, for years. It’s something that ties in to everything this blog stands for. My disability, my depression, my excuses, even the blog itself. My life itself stems around one simple fact: My self-esteem is shot.
Regardless of what the rest of the world around me “really” thinks, I instinctively know threesimple facts:
1)There are only two people in my life who truly like me and even then, I’m not always sure.
2)I am a burnout who doesn’t see himself doing anything with his future, resulting in an overall lack of trying.
3)I am mediocre, at best, at everything I have ever and probably will ever try to do.
I have no idea how many of these things are really true, if any of them. I’m not writing this for sympathy though. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or “it’s going to be alright” or anything like that. I’m merely writing these down because it’s the closest I’ve ever come to admitting these things out loud. I know that my low self-esteem, which I think stems from the fact that I used to be “famous” as a kid and then grew up “normally”, probably ramps up these feelings to 11, making me feel a little worse than I should but I still live my life with these three thoughts in my head, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that they are correct.
I’m not quite sure how to end this one if I’m going to be honest so I’m just going to end it here. Hopefully my next post is more cheery.
Thanks for reading.